The Spice Girls And Me (I Regret Nothing!)

A good friend of mine recently felt the need to remind me of a previous transgression (because that's what friends are for, right?)that involved him, myself, and the Spice Girls.

This took place back in the summer of '97 in the 7th circle of hell, otherwise known as Utah. Now, the exact details are a little bit fuzzy as time and alcohol tend to wreak havoc on such things. However, the gist of what transpired is still intact.

For reasons long since forgotten, on this fateful day my friend and I were driving around looking for something to do. Actually, he was driving because I was working my way into a drunken stupor. Somehow, we ended up at the movie theatre. I think the deciding factor on this was due to the theatre being air conditioned.

If I remember correctly, the movie that we wanted to see was sold out. Now, this part, to me at least, is debatable. I am told that it was my idea to instead see the Spice Girls movie. I do not recall this, but, again, I was pleasantly drunk. Also, I don't see how I can be completely to blame here. My friend, who was sober, could have stopped this anytime. But, no. He was right there with me.

As we walked into the theatre there was only a handful of people in there. Unfortunately, it was a bunch of preteen girls with their mothers. I can only imagine what they were thinking when they watched two 19-20 year old men walk into the theatre and sit down to watch the same movie as them. I guessing it was probably "Pedophiles!"

But, that's the great thing about being drunk, I didn't give a shit. Now, I don't remember anything about this movie except for one thing: no titties. I sat there and put up with this shit for 90 minutes and not even one titty popped out. What kind of bullshit is that?!

I decided to express my displeasure with the lack of boobage by throwing my half empty 32oz. mix of Dr. Pepper and vodka right at the screen. Apparently, that was the last straw for some parent. They had dealt with us talking loudly and making fun of the movie the whole time, but they would be damned if they were going to sit there and have their child see Baby Spice looking like she just took the money shot all over her face as my drink ran down the screen.

I don't recall much after that except that the usher did come over and we were, more or less, thrown out. It didn't really matter since the movie was pretty much over anyway. That was the beginning and end of anything I ever had to do with the Spice Girls. Oh, and if any of the Spice Girls ever happen to read this, (yeah, right. I know.) I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I want to see some titties, dammit! You know damn well every last one of you hoes has no talent except for when it comes to being naked and lately, some of you don't even have that anymore. Posh, I'm looking at you.

Venting Frustrations

This post is going to be nothing, but me bitching. So, enjoy or skip, your call.

1. To the inbred hick in the Ford pickup, who saw me coming down the road at 45 mph, but still decided to pull out into the far lane (the lane I was in) and cut me off so that I had to slam on my brakes, when there was no one in the right lane and you could have pulled out just fine there and then you flip me off as if I'm the one in the wrong: Fuck you, die slow! Oh, and if I see you again, I'm stabbing you in the face!

2. To the idiot gas station attendant who couldn't put my gas cap back on correctly, so now I have to drive around for a couple of days with my check engine light on: you also get a face stabbing.

3. To the assfuck doing 45 in the fast lane on the freeway until you saw me pass and try to get over so you decided to speed up to block me: I hope you get raped in the face!

4. To all the people who call me on a daily basis and want to treat me like all of their problems are my fault and totally ignore the fact that I am there to help them and want to treat me like shit because they don't get the answer they want: All of you should die in a fire.

5. To all the members of the GOP who are still whining cause they lost after 8 years of completely fucking shit up: Eat a bag of dicks.

6. To all the non-smoking fucktards who see me smoking a cigarette and go out of their way to walk past me so that they can cough loudly in order to fulfill some self-righteous purpose: My foot up your ass, let me show it to you

7. To the bartender who stops serving drinks 20 minutes before last call because you want to leave a little earlier: Fuck you in your eye socket.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but I can't remember them right now. However, it does feel good to get that little bit out.

Celebrate Christmas? You're Going To Hell!

Once again, the Westboro Baptist church has decided to share its special brand of crazy/retarded (yes, I used the "r" word. Get over it.)

In a move that only serves to further prove how "special" they are, they have asked the Governor of Washington to allow their religious (Christmas) message to be among those included in the state capitol building. Anyone wanna guess what their message is? I'll give you a hint, it has to do with Santa.

They want to put up a sign with the message: "Santa Claus will take you to hell."

Yes, you read that correctly. In the 30 years that I have been alive, I have never heard any religious fanatic (read:nut) say anything like this before. No mention of Santa being the great Satan and, I don't know, Rudolph being some devil hound, maybe Frosty is some upper level demon sent to posses kids or whatever the fuck goes on in the minds of those that are this detached from reality.

They even went so far as to change the lyrics to a familiar tune. Personally, I would have gone with AC/DC's "Hells Bells". It seems fitting. Just a few tweaks, something like this:

I won't leave no presents, don't care who cries
Nobodys gettin' shit tonight
I got my bell, I'm gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get you, Santa get you

But no, they decided to bastardize "Santa Claus is coming to town". Here's their version:

You'd better watch out, get ready to cry, You'd better go hide, I'm telling you why 'cuz Santa Claus will take you to hell. He is your favorite idol, you worship at his feet, but when you stand before your God He won't help you take the heat. So get this fact straight: you're feeling God's hate, Santa's to blame for the economy's fate, Santa Claus will take you to hell.

Yep.

Who knew that Santa was really in league with Satan all this time? I suppose this means that all things Christmas related, except for Jesus, of course, are devil spawn as well. Maybe next we'll find out that sugarplums are really Satan's butt-plugs. Never underestimate the depravity of severely irrational and/or delusional people on a mission.

Here's the link to the full story: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008493934_webchurch10.html

And, if you're interested, here is the link to the Westboro Baptist Church's site: http://www.godhatesfags.com/

Yes, that really is the URL of their site, I'm not joking.